What to tell children when someone is dying

Children find the death of a very close relative very hard. Knowing how to help and support your children before you die can help them cope afterwards.

What to tell the children in your life

A child’s reaction to hearing that someone they love is going to die will depend very much on their:

• age
• stage of development

No two children will react in the same way.

Children sometimes seem to cope with such situations better than adults. This is probably because children tend to live in the moment.

You might find that they won’t look ahead and worry about what it really means to lose someone they love. But it will still have a big impact on them.

It is not always easy to decide what to tell children, especially if they’re very young. And talking to children about cancer can be very difficult and upsetting.

It’s natural to want to spare them any worry or pain. But it’s important to explain things to them.

Plan what to say

It’s helpful to plan what you are going to say in advance. It can help to rehearse with a friend or with a health professional who knows you. 

Be honest

You might think it is best to delay telling the children. Or you might think it's kinder to let them believe that things will go back to normal soon. But it's usually best to be honest, using language they can understand and take in. 

Even if you don't tell children about what is happening, they'll usually know something is wrong. They pick this up from:

• body language
• things they hear
• conversations suddenly stopping when they appear

Unless they’re told what’s happening, they can imagine things that are even worse than the reality.

Use simple language and repeat things

Keep explanations simple so they're easy for children to understand. And give them plenty of time to take in the information.

They also need time to ask questions. And you might need to answer the same question several times. This can be hard, but it can play a big part in helping the child understand and come to terms with what is happening.

Tell them they are not responsible for the illness

Young children especially might feel that they have somehow made you ill by getting angry with you or wishing you would go away.

Reassure them that this isn't possible and that nothing they did has caused an illness or death.

Involve them

Involving children usually helps them cope better.

Your child’s other parent, or another relative or adult close to the family can play an important role. They can help to guide the child’s experience of coping with your situation. They also play a big part in supporting your child and preparing them for your death.

Problems with going to school

It can be very difficult to know whether to keep sending your children to school every day when someone in the family might die soon.

Children with an ill parent are at risk of:

• anxiety and depression
• irritability
• thoughts that pop up into their head without warning (intrusive thoughts)
• complaints related to their body, such as stomach pains
• not being able to concentrate in school
• not doing well in school

You will probably feel like keeping your child at home to be with their loved ones as much as possible. But keeping some routine in your child’s life can help them feel more stable and safe. It might help them to go to school and see that normal life can continue, even though things are changing at home.

There may also be days when keeping them home feels like the right thing to do.

Teachers

Talk to your child’s teacher about what is going on at home.

You don’t have to tell them anything in detail if you don’t want to. But if they generally know what’s happening, teachers can:

• understand why your child is behaving in a certain way
• give the support your child needs
• help to plan when to tell your child’s friends and classmates what they’re going through

They will be able to offer further support and have access to counselling and other support services.  

Teenagers 

Be sure to ask older children what they want you to do.

Teenage children might choose to tell their teachers themselves. Or they might not want their teachers to know at all. This could be because they don’t want the attention or be seen as different from the other children.

Reassure your teenager that their teacher can help and won’t tell anyone else without your child’s permission. 

Older children might feel more comfortable talking to a close friend or older relative, rather than their teachers. But if you can, do try to convince them that the school needs to know about any major changes in a pupil’s life.