Children's questions about dying and cancer
Children can ask quite difficult questions when someone is dying. So you might find it helpful to prepare and think about what you are going to say.
Your child’s questions can be heartbreaking to hear. But try to stay calm and answer them on the child’s level.
Try to be honest and open and to use words and images that the child can understand.
Children can ask questions that you and other adults might not otherwise talk about. But trying to find a way to answer these questions can give everyone in the family the chance to express their emotions.
Some things that might help
You might find it helpful to:
- ask the child what they think will happen
- be as honest as you can, don’t be afraid to admit you don’t have an answer to a question
- listen to what they have to say
- tell them often how much you love them
- reassure them that they won’t be left alone
Young children, in particular, need reassurance that their life will go on no matter what happens. They will still have their friends around to play, go to school and be able to do the everyday things that make life secure and stable for them.
Questions a child might ask
Here are some questions your child might ask and suggestions for what you could say:
What is death? Why do people die?
You can explain that doctors can usually make someone better when they are ill. But sometimes doctors can't.
People die when their body stops working. This might be because they have a very serious illness that has damaged their body, or have had a very serious accident. Or their body might be worn out because they are very old.
Will mummy/granny come back after she dies?
It is important that young children know that you can't do anything to bring someone back when they die.
Am I going to die as well?
It would help to acknowledge these fears, as they are very real for the child.
Explaining why someone has died can make them less scared. You can also explain that cancer is not caught.
Tell the child that most people die when their body stops working because they are old. Say that doctors can usually make a young person better when they are ill. So it is very unusual for a young person to die.
Is it my fault?
Children often feel guilty that somehow they might have caused the death. Reassure them that nothing they did or said made the person ill or die.
What will happen to me?
Explain to your child that it’s very important to you that they will be looked after. You can tell them who they will live with and who will be there for them.
Further support for you and your children
There are organisations who provide help and support for parents and children. They have resources to help with talking to children about cancer and dying. There are also organisations for bereaved children.
Fruitfly Collective
This organisation provides resources for children who have a parent with cancer. The resources aim to help children understand about cancer and treatment. They include kits, books and other practical tools.
Winston's Wish
This UK based organisation provides support for children who's parent or sibling has died.
Helpline: 08088 020 021
Child Bereavement UK
This organisation has a range of resources to support bereaved families, including booklets, leaflets and books. There is a section on their website with information about dying and bereavement for young people. Their website has a forum for people to share experiences.
Helpline: 0800 02 888 40
Email: helpline@childbereavementuk.org
We have a list of more organisations who can offer help and support when someone is dying with cancer.
More information
Marie Curie is a charity that has more information on all aspects of dying, death and bereavement. It includes information on questions children might ask when someone is dying.
